12 DPO

This morning I took a pregnancy test. I really, really wanted to try to wait, at least until Sunday or Monday morning, because right now I’m only 12 dpo (days past ovulation), and I know that can sometimes be too early to pick up anything. I didn’t want to get disappointed by an early negative that could possibly be false.

So what happened? Nothing, only one lonely line. Just before I gave it up for negative, I noticed a very, very, VERY faint second line. Very faint. But it was definitely there. So of course I went online immediately and looked up “very faint line on pregnancy test” to see what other people have gotten. I saw a couple photos of tests that looked very similar to mine, and almost all of them said “A LINE IS A LINE!” So that’s encouraging, but I don’t know, it was really faint. But it was nice to get good news from what I found online for once, instead of the normally discouraging news.

Trying to keep it all in perspective - not getting too up or too down about it. But really, after having a little crisis of faith yesterday, it feels so good to feel good about it again. I was so happy this morning on my way into work - it’s a stunningly gorgeous day with a tiny hint of fall in the air. The fall is my very favorite time of the year - a time for new beginnings I feel - and to be pregnant in the fall, how perfect. And I really hope that on the outside chance I am not pregnant this month, I will be able to look back at this time and remember how happy and hopeful I am feeling right now, and appreciate that THIS IS WORTH IT, no matter how it turns out. THIS is the feeling I need to hold onto, regardless of the outcome.

I have a secret…

On July 31 I had IUI #3, and I didn't tell ANYONE!

Everyone who knows I am going through this thinks I am waiting until my August cycle for the next IUI, at the very end of next month.

I can't express how happy I am I decided to do this in secret. I feel so free. Free to feel anything I want to feel about this, free to think anything and not have to talk about it with anyone. I love it.

And don't get me wrong, I am very, very aware that the people I love only ask me about it because they love me and want to be there for me and have gotten invested in this themselves. And the simple truth is that I wouldn't even be able to consider even having these procedures if I didn't have them there to help me through it.

But MAN this is the way to do it!! When I was driving home from the doctor's office on Sunday after having the procedure done, I felt almost giddy about it, knowing I had this secret and that's its something I get to enjoy all by myself for weeks before anyone else will even know anything about it.

I haven't allowed myself to even consider that eventually I might have to tell everyone that I had the IUI a month ago and it was unsuccessful. I know they won't begrudge me experiencing it on my own, but I think they might be a little hurt that they didn't get to go through it with me.

I've come to believe that in the end, this is how it is supposed to happen. Even though getting the BFN last month after the second IUI was so hard, now in retrospect, I believe it was a good thing. It sounds crazy now to say it, and I know for DAMN sure at the time I definitely didn't feel that way, but it was good for me to get emotional about it. I don't allow myself to get emotional about much, in fact I would charitably consider myself "closed off" emotionally. But having a child is by nature an emotional event. I need to be able to deal with the emotions that come with it, and the reality is, the emotions won't always be good, easy ones when it comes to raising a child. One of the questions that have come up repeatedly for me is whether I want this badly enough, almost as though I need to prove to myself that I'm worthy of getting pregnant. Unconsciously, I think my reaction to the failed #2 confirmed it for me.

Of course, I was not enlightened enough to understand all this in the moment when it happened. But better late than never I guess!

One other funny thing - back when I was first considering this, and imagining and planning how all this would go in a perfect world, one of the things I said to my mother was that if I had my preference, I would get pregnant in the summer (June or July I said) so that I could have a spring baby, and have my maternity leave be in the spring and early summer. That was my ideal in terms of timing, but in the end I was too anxious to get started to wait all those months, so I started in very early May. And now, my due date would be April 22. How perfect he or she will be born in my month.

Wow, it's been awhile!

I didn't realize it until I sat down to write a post just how long it's been since I last wrote anything here! I keep a journal and I write in that pretty regularly, so sometimes I forget what I've written where.

Anyway I had my second IUI about a week after my last post. That one felt SO different. Different in that I didn't feel anything at all. After my first one, I had so many symptoms, and strong ones, and then I ended up with a BFN, so I figured, well this must be a good sign that this time there's nothing much going on. And then when I got the results from my progesterone test at 1 week, and the nurse left me a voice mail saying "the doctor said to make sure you come in for your pregnancy test in a week" - well then I started thinking, hmm maybe she KNOWS SOMETHING.

Well, it was not to be, because I went in for my pregnancy test and literally 2 hours later I got my period. Before they even called me with the results. I was sad, but I was at work, so I had to just deal with it and try to put it out of my head. But then when the nurse called to tell me it was a negative around 3:30, she sounded so sorry, that I just lost it a little bit. You ever notice you how things aren't so bad, until someone else feels really bad for you? Like when you're little and you get a cut while out playing, but you don't start crying until you see your mom and she says what happened honey? Well, it was like that.

So the second time around, I was really, really sad that it didn't work. And in retrospect...hell even at the time... I knew that it was only my second try, some women try over and over and over, many more times than 2, until it works for them. But I just had a feeling...

The first time, I think I was still trying to process the whole thing - still getting used to the idea that I was taking this plan and turning it into reality. Every single thing was new, and so it was easy to kind of get lost in that newness. And it seemed like I had just finished getting all sorts of tests, and having appointments every other day - it was just a whirlwind of activity. And plus, it was only the first try. So even though I so wanted it to be positive, I wasn't shocked when it wasn't. There were even times durring the 2ww that I questioned whether I wanted it enough (I know, I'm superstitious that way), so a BFN seemed to almost make sense in a way.

But by the second try, I was like ok let's do this. No more screwing around, tests are done, everything looks good, all systems go, etc etc. And then, nothing.

And there's one other thing. The truth is, I can only really try this 3 times, at least for right now. So when the second IUI was unsuccessful, all I could think was "now I'm down to my last shot," and that is a little scary. It's not like I'll never be able to do this again if the third time is not the charm, but it could be a little while until I'm in a position to start the process again, especially if it calls for any kind of (expensive) medication.

I decided to take my third cycle off, and instead I am going to have my next IUI at the end of the month. I'm taking that week off so I can be relaxed and stress-free and just focus on being positive and happy, which of course I am doing now as well :) That's all I can do I guess!

The Final Negative.

AF arrived on Saturday, that bitch (I'm not bitter). My whole adult life I have had a hate/hate relationship with my period. It's been the source of so much pain for me - both physical and emotional. I can’t wait till I never have to get it again.

Regarding the BFN from my first IUI, I am feeling ok about it. I was sad, I was disappointed, but not devastated. Maybe it was because it was only my first attempt. Also, it’s proving to be really difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea of being pregnant. It seems very abstract to me right now, even though it is something I really want. Part of me is very scared that I don’t want this enough and that’s why it wasn’t successful.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing this on my own, or if it’s totally normal when women make this choice, but I feel like so much of the experience of becoming a single mother by choice takes place inside my head. There is SO much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to second-guess yourself about. Don’t you feel like a choice this momentous and natural should be accompanied by a zen-like acceptance of everything that will come? Like you would immediately become this earth mother with a completely centered heart? Just me? I guess it’s unrealistic to think your personality will undergo an amazing transformation, but man, in this situation? It would be awesome if that did happen.

But the reality is that in about 2 weeks, I will try it again, and if it doesn’t work (which it will, because I am all about being positive!!), I will try again a month after that. And if it STILL doesn’t work, then me and my bank account will have to have a heart-to-heart.

I saw my niece and nephew yesterday, and nothing clarifies intentions to be a mother like a 4 year old jumping off a low wall into your arms, or a 1 year old giving you a big loud kiss. Love.

Ahh, Much Better

I really needed a blog refresh. The old template was way too happy looking for my taste, and that is just not my design style. In the art group I belong to, I get a lot of jokes about how dark my art is. I never really mean it to be, in fact I make a very concerted effort to NOT be too dark in my art work (superstitions about self-fulfilling prophecies, mainly). But I think of it as a visual diary a lot of the time - and it's very therapeutic. It's like this: if it's out there (waving hands out in the world), it's NOT in here (pointing at head), so that's a good thing.

One bad thing that happened as a result of the blog redesign is I lost my whole blog roll, which I'm not too thrilled about. I am trying to add them all back as I remember them and see them on other blogs. Stupid Blogger.

Time to get back on the blog horse. I have been writing, but most of it I haven't wanted to really put on the blog because it's been mostly stream of consciousness babbling that I don't want to put out in the world. But some of it should be here on my public record of BMP, so here they are with the right dates...

The First Negative

This morning for the first time ever in my life, I took a pregnancy test. Might as well not keep you in suspense: it was negative. Technically, it looked like this: -NO. It’s a little early - the box says it can detect a pregnancy 4 days before you get your period, and since I am supposed to get mine on Sunday, today is the absolute earliest I could test. And even then, the accuracy of the test is only about 58% when you test this early.

I’m not sure how I feel about a BFN (big fat negative in Internet lingo). I was lying in bed after having peed on the stick at around 5:30 am this morning. I rolled over to see the read out and it said no (I am a BIG fan of the easy to read, digital sticks - in a situation like this I don’t want ANY ambiguity) - and I didn’t really feel anything. I’m not sure how I expected to feel - even though yesterday I was leaning towards a YES, the truth is that was mostly just a guess. I know what I hoped, but I didn’t really have any specific expectations.

But I didn’t feel much of anything. It’s strange. Maybe it’s because I know how likely a false negative is that I am subconsciously not putting much stock in the answer. And although I’m still a little sad, I’m not devastated. However, I think when I get my period, it will really sink in. I’ve spent my entire adult life HATING my period, and I expect the experience of trying to get pregnant is going to bring that hate to new levels.

The Big Day.

May 7, 2011 was actually the big day. I had my insemination. And I felt awful. I hadn’t gotten through the emotional fallout from the cymbalta fiasco, and I desperately DID NOT want to start my pregnancy that way. But in reality, this whole process is not how I would choose to start a pregnancy if I had my choice.

I tested for ovulation at around 5am that day. I got the smiley face, and I was not surprised. I had already rescheduled an appointment I had for 9am that morning to have a spiritual reading because I “had a feeling” it might happen Saturday, even though I wasn’t due till Sunday. And I was right (I’ve been having a lot of “feelings” that have been coming true lately, it’s strange).

I was scheduled for my insemination for 10:30 that morning. I went to the building and was sent up to the 5th floor to pick up my “specimen” from the lab. They had tested it for mobility (75-70%, which is very good, anything above 50% is considered good, they told me).

It’s amazing how little sperm there was in that tiny vial. It was maybe an inch and a half tall, quarter inch in diameter, and it was barely half full.

I was glad I ovulated on a Saturday. The place was pretty much empty with the exception of the people who worked there, and even those ladies were very informal. Somehow, it made the whole thing feel a little more casual and less like someone’s job (even though it is).

There was an RN who worked with me on the insemination. She was really nice. I sat up on the table with stirrups, she inserted a speculum, dug around in there for awhile, realized she couldn’t see my cervix that well, so she switched to a longer speculum (which was awesome. If I have to do this again, I will remember to tell them to use the long speculum FIRST), stuck that in and then put in the syringe with the sperm and a catheter instead of a needle and injected the sperm. That part was kind of painful, but it took all of about 1 minute. She set a timer for 10 minutes, and said when it goes off I can get dressed and leave. Pull this cord if you need help. The end. She didn’t even stay in the room with me, she just left. I even clarified - I can just leave when the time is up? Yup.

Talk about alone. There I was, possibly having just been impregnated by sperm of a stranger and a catheter, laying on a table, naked from the waist down, listening for the ding of an oven timer. There was NOTHING about that moment that was anything like how I wanted to become a mother.

And yet... the more time passes (a whole 4 days), the more removed I am from it, the more I am just concentrating on the end result, a beautiful baby. And truthfully, even though emotionally the whole insemination process was clinical, it wasn’t bad. It was just impersonal. I hate to say we’re “programmed to believe” something when its concerning something as natural and biological as having a child, but in a way we are programmed to have certain beliefs about how this whole things works, and very little of that lines up with artificial insemination.

Like, I know the exact moment of conception, down to the second (or I could if I had really been paying attention to the clock, which I wasn’t actually). Every single day I am paying insanely close attention to my body, trying to discern even the smallest, most minute sign that might mean I am pregnant.

There is NO transition period. Literally when I woke up on Saturday morning I wasn’t pregnant, and then by 11am, I was (or could be - it’s still to early to tell.) For god sakes, at 10:45 I wasn’t and at 10:46 I could be. It’s kind of mind blowing.

And also, in a way, it connects you to your possible future child in a way that might not happen if I didn’t know all this. From literally the second of it’s theoretical existence as a cell, I’ve known it. Also mind blowing.

So here I am at day 4, after the insemination, and as I said, I can’t stop mentally feeling out my body, trying to see if I am feeling differently than I was before Saturday. Because of the goddamn cymbalta, it’s hard for me to tell what is real and what is the residual withdrawals. But for the first time this morning I started thinking the procedure might have been successful.

It’s literally day 4, I don’t know if it’s even physically possible for me to actually feel anything. Maybe it could be wishful thinking?