AF arrived on Saturday, that bitch (I'm not bitter). My whole adult life I have had a hate/hate relationship with my period. It's been the source of so much pain for me - both physical and emotional. I can’t wait till I never have to get it again.
Regarding the BFN from my first IUI, I am feeling ok about it. I was sad, I was disappointed, but not devastated. Maybe it was because it was only my first attempt. Also, it’s proving to be really difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea of being pregnant. It seems very abstract to me right now, even though it is something I really want. Part of me is very scared that I don’t want this enough and that’s why it wasn’t successful.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing this on my own, or if it’s totally normal when women make this choice, but I feel like so much of the experience of becoming a single mother by choice takes place inside my head. There is SO much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to second-guess yourself about. Don’t you feel like a choice this momentous and natural should be accompanied by a zen-like acceptance of everything that will come? Like you would immediately become this earth mother with a completely centered heart? Just me? I guess it’s unrealistic to think your personality will undergo an amazing transformation, but man, in this situation? It would be awesome if that did happen.
But the reality is that in about 2 weeks, I will try it again, and if it doesn’t work (which it will, because I am all about being positive!!), I will try again a month after that. And if it STILL doesn’t work, then me and my bank account will have to have a heart-to-heart.
I saw my niece and nephew yesterday, and nothing clarifies intentions to be a mother like a 4 year old jumping off a low wall into your arms, or a 1 year old giving you a big loud kiss. Love.