Monday, May 23, 2011

The Final Negative.

AF arrived on Saturday, that bitch (I'm not bitter). My whole adult life I have had a hate/hate relationship with my period. It's been the source of so much pain for me - both physical and emotional. I can’t wait till I never have to get it again.

Regarding the BFN from my first IUI, I am feeling ok about it. I was sad, I was disappointed, but not devastated. Maybe it was because it was only my first attempt. Also, it’s proving to be really difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea of being pregnant. It seems very abstract to me right now, even though it is something I really want. Part of me is very scared that I don’t want this enough and that’s why it wasn’t successful.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing this on my own, or if it’s totally normal when women make this choice, but I feel like so much of the experience of becoming a single mother by choice takes place inside my head. There is SO much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to second-guess yourself about. Don’t you feel like a choice this momentous and natural should be accompanied by a zen-like acceptance of everything that will come? Like you would immediately become this earth mother with a completely centered heart? Just me? I guess it’s unrealistic to think your personality will undergo an amazing transformation, but man, in this situation? It would be awesome if that did happen.

But the reality is that in about 2 weeks, I will try it again, and if it doesn’t work (which it will, because I am all about being positive!!), I will try again a month after that. And if it STILL doesn’t work, then me and my bank account will have to have a heart-to-heart.

I saw my niece and nephew yesterday, and nothing clarifies intentions to be a mother like a 4 year old jumping off a low wall into your arms, or a 1 year old giving you a big loud kiss. Love.

5 comments:

  1. Sorry about the BFN. It is tough. And questioning it all is normal too. I think every SMC has done it and I think couples do it too. I think it is a "good" sign. One because it makes you plan and think and two because it shows you are ready to put someone else's (your kid's) needs ahead of your own and that is the making of a good parent, single or otherwise!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel you on the "too much in the head" aspect of choosing single motherhood. And although I hate it, I know that it means we are most thoughtful and purposeful future mothers out there.

    Oh, and if you figure out how to get to that zen-like acceptance and centered heart, please share. I could use that right about now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry, April. That just sucks. Here's to a big BFP next cycle!

    Choosing to try to become a SMC was one I zigzagged my way to making. And I never really had a zen-like moment of acceptance. I still wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing---and I'm 6 weeks from my due date! I think my doubts are more fear than anything because it's such a life changing decision. Will I be enough? Will I make it financially? Will she hate me for it? And it's not Plan A - doing it with a husband.
    But when I thought about NOT trying, and the sense of loss I would have, that's when I knew it was the right decision for me.

    Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just wondering how you're doing.... hope all is well!

    ReplyDelete