Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wow, it's been awhile!

I didn't realize it until I sat down to write a post just how long it's been since I last wrote anything here! I keep a journal and I write in that pretty regularly, so sometimes I forget what I've written where.

Anyway I had my second IUI about a week after my last post. That one felt SO different. Different in that I didn't feel anything at all. After my first one, I had so many symptoms, and strong ones, and then I ended up with a BFN, so I figured, well this must be a good sign that this time there's nothing much going on. And then when I got the results from my progesterone test at 1 week, and the nurse left me a voice mail saying "the doctor said to make sure you come in for your pregnancy test in a week" - well then I started thinking, hmm maybe she KNOWS SOMETHING.

Well, it was not to be, because I went in for my pregnancy test and literally 2 hours later I got my period. Before they even called me with the results. I was sad, but I was at work, so I had to just deal with it and try to put it out of my head. But then when the nurse called to tell me it was a negative around 3:30, she sounded so sorry, that I just lost it a little bit. You ever notice you how things aren't so bad, until someone else feels really bad for you? Like when you're little and you get a cut while out playing, but you don't start crying until you see your mom and she says what happened honey? Well, it was like that.

So the second time around, I was really, really sad that it didn't work. And in retrospect...hell even at the time... I knew that it was only my second try, some women try over and over and over, many more times than 2, until it works for them. But I just had a feeling...

The first time, I think I was still trying to process the whole thing - still getting used to the idea that I was taking this plan and turning it into reality. Every single thing was new, and so it was easy to kind of get lost in that newness. And it seemed like I had just finished getting all sorts of tests, and having appointments every other day - it was just a whirlwind of activity. And plus, it was only the first try. So even though I so wanted it to be positive, I wasn't shocked when it wasn't. There were even times durring the 2ww that I questioned whether I wanted it enough (I know, I'm superstitious that way), so a BFN seemed to almost make sense in a way.

But by the second try, I was like ok let's do this. No more screwing around, tests are done, everything looks good, all systems go, etc etc. And then, nothing.

And there's one other thing. The truth is, I can only really try this 3 times, at least for right now. So when the second IUI was unsuccessful, all I could think was "now I'm down to my last shot," and that is a little scary. It's not like I'll never be able to do this again if the third time is not the charm, but it could be a little while until I'm in a position to start the process again, especially if it calls for any kind of (expensive) medication.

I decided to take my third cycle off, and instead I am going to have my next IUI at the end of the month. I'm taking that week off so I can be relaxed and stress-free and just focus on being positive and happy, which of course I am doing now as well :) That's all I can do I guess!