Friday, August 12, 2011

12 DPO

This morning I took a pregnancy test. I really, really wanted to try to wait, at least until Sunday or Monday morning, because right now I’m only 12 dpo (days past ovulation), and I know that can sometimes be too early to pick up anything. I didn’t want to get disappointed by an early negative that could possibly be false.

So what happened? Nothing, only one lonely line. Just before I gave it up for negative, I noticed a very, very, VERY faint second line. Very faint. But it was definitely there. So of course I went online immediately and looked up “very faint line on pregnancy test” to see what other people have gotten. I saw a couple photos of tests that looked very similar to mine, and almost all of them said “A LINE IS A LINE!” So that’s encouraging, but I don’t know, it was really faint. But it was nice to get good news from what I found online for once, instead of the normally discouraging news.

Trying to keep it all in perspective - not getting too up or too down about it. But really, after having a little crisis of faith yesterday, it feels so good to feel good about it again. I was so happy this morning on my way into work - it’s a stunningly gorgeous day with a tiny hint of fall in the air. The fall is my very favorite time of the year - a time for new beginnings I feel - and to be pregnant in the fall, how perfect. And I really hope that on the outside chance I am not pregnant this month, I will be able to look back at this time and remember how happy and hopeful I am feeling right now, and appreciate that THIS IS WORTH IT, no matter how it turns out. THIS is the feeling I need to hold onto, regardless of the outcome.

I have a secret…

On July 31 I had IUI #3, and I didn't tell ANYONE!

Everyone who knows I am going through this thinks I am waiting until my August cycle for the next IUI, at the very end of next month.

I can't express how happy I am I decided to do this in secret. I feel so free. Free to feel anything I want to feel about this, free to think anything and not have to talk about it with anyone. I love it.

And don't get me wrong, I am very, very aware that the people I love only ask me about it because they love me and want to be there for me and have gotten invested in this themselves. And the simple truth is that I wouldn't even be able to consider even having these procedures if I didn't have them there to help me through it.

But MAN this is the way to do it!! When I was driving home from the doctor's office on Sunday after having the procedure done, I felt almost giddy about it, knowing I had this secret and that's its something I get to enjoy all by myself for weeks before anyone else will even know anything about it.

I haven't allowed myself to even consider that eventually I might have to tell everyone that I had the IUI a month ago and it was unsuccessful. I know they won't begrudge me experiencing it on my own, but I think they might be a little hurt that they didn't get to go through it with me.

I've come to believe that in the end, this is how it is supposed to happen. Even though getting the BFN last month after the second IUI was so hard, now in retrospect, I believe it was a good thing. It sounds crazy now to say it, and I know for DAMN sure at the time I definitely didn't feel that way, but it was good for me to get emotional about it. I don't allow myself to get emotional about much, in fact I would charitably consider myself "closed off" emotionally. But having a child is by nature an emotional event. I need to be able to deal with the emotions that come with it, and the reality is, the emotions won't always be good, easy ones when it comes to raising a child. One of the questions that have come up repeatedly for me is whether I want this badly enough, almost as though I need to prove to myself that I'm worthy of getting pregnant. Unconsciously, I think my reaction to the failed #2 confirmed it for me.

Of course, I was not enlightened enough to understand all this in the moment when it happened. But better late than never I guess!

One other funny thing - back when I was first considering this, and imagining and planning how all this would go in a perfect world, one of the things I said to my mother was that if I had my preference, I would get pregnant in the summer (June or July I said) so that I could have a spring baby, and have my maternity leave be in the spring and early summer. That was my ideal in terms of timing, but in the end I was too anxious to get started to wait all those months, so I started in very early May. And now, my due date would be April 22. How perfect he or she will be born in my month.